Cracktastic
by Fierce Socks
Summary: To plot or not to plot, that is the question! Kubo-sama has made his choice. We've made ours in the meantime.


**Title: **Cracktastic  
**Pairing(s): **Ichiruki, Ishihime, starkshuntake.....a lot XDD  
**Warning(s):** We totally support gay rights and all that. But we make fun of straight people, so we might as well make fun of the ones who....aren't? That and things that really just don't make sense to anyone else but us.  
**Note: **Points to whoever spots the Hetalia and Scrubs references~!

Kurosaki Ichigo understood the universe he lived in. There were hollows, shinigami and the occasional weirdo with supernatural powers (He tried hard not to think about how many such weirdos there were). He also understood that all happenings within all three worlds of Earth, Sereitei, Hueco Mundo and every rift in between was controlled by one man.

Said being had the power to bring any one of them to their knees with the flick of his wrist. He was omnipresent, omnipowerful and contested by none.

His name was Kubo Tite. And he owns them all.

Standard disclaimer applies.

---

This ownership did not bode well with anyone of the Bleach characters as of late. After all, not only did some of them have gapping holes in their sides, chests and other such appendages, others had emotional wounds that could take any number of years of therapy to lay to rest. And they couldn't even bill Kubo for such issues.

Wasn't ownership of human beings made illegal a hundred or so years ago?

Set aside that they're technically just ink on paper.

The worst obscenity and insult of all these things however was not the pain...oh no...It was the lack of point.

Much to everyone's dismay the plot has screeched to a full on stop. Some have reason to believe it's hiding under a rock somewhere while Kubo-sama stalls to make more money off merchandise, but then again it could just be that he lost the plot outline. Either way everyone was bored and slightly annoyed that their storyline was so suddenly cut short and thus found other ways to entertain themselves.

Ichigo sighed and pulled up a chair, tugging off his hollow mask and tossing it to the side somewhere. "It's gonna be a while people." He called flipping through a rather thick novel.

--

"I say green."

"_Green?"_

"Green." Yoruichi gave the man in the hat a level glare.

"What is it with you and green?"

"What is it with you and nakedness?" Isshin snickered, Ryuken just went back to pretending they did not exist. He was good at that. Years of experience and headphones were useful assets.

"...I don't look good in green. I say orange." Urahara blanched.

"_Orange?! _God how gaudy, unsightly, tacky (and other mean words) can you get?" The cat woman growled lowly in the back of her throat and Ryuken began tapping his foot to the National Anthem of Cambodia.

"And green is _so _much better?!" Urahara inflated slightly with authority.

"Camouflage."

"_Camouflage?!" _

"Are you going deaf Yoruichi?" Resisting the urge to claw off his (_handsome_) face she settled for kicking him in the shins.

"Are you expecting to find many trees in Hueco Mundo?!" Urahara was too busy acquainting himself with the carpet to respond, the woman could kick _hard. _

"I think we should go for pink, right Ryuken?" The quincy turned the volume up, the non-existant pain was trying to speak to him again. "Ryuken says yes."

"We're going to be the best crime fighters ever," Yoruichi proclaimed, "and we'll do it in _orange." _

Urahara squeaked, Isshin giggled and Ryuken changed the track.

"So why are we in a basement?"

So being the superheroes of the new millenia they really should have thought of a more clever home base.

---

"Doctor."

"..."

"Doctor?"

"..."

"Doctor Matsumoto!"

"Can I _help you_?! I'm wrist deep in a brain here!"

"Um..." The poor arrancar cowered under the buxom woman's glare. "Tousen painted the menos like you asked and he thinks he can move on to people now. He wants to paint your portrait...?" the poor lackey flinched, sure of the tantrum and pain about to insue.

He was wrong.

Rangiku's grin magnified from nothing to a hundred watts in a moment and tossed the scalpel over her shoulder. "How nice! Being a model is so much more fun than being a brain surgeon anyway."

---

"Welcome to Baskin Robins what would you like?" the boy grit out through clenched teeth.

"Ah! Shiro-chan!" Hinamori giggled. "The nice men in white let me take a break from all my ballet recitals at Arkham to eat some yummy icecream!" She smiled beautifically, "They give me candy sometimes but it doesnt taste very good so Doctor-san said I could be 'released' for a little while isn't that great?"

"Peachy."

"And one of my other doctor friends- who come to think of it, why are they all working at a ballet studio? -knit me this really cool sweater. It's snug though and he accidentally stiched the sleeves to the waist. I wear it sometimes anyway though. To make him happy!"

Toshirou just sighed, wondering what exactly had finally got her to snap.

--

The crowd had gone wild, a screaming, euphoric mass of limbs and excitement that was almost tangible in the heavy club air.

Yumichika brushed his dark (like his _SOUL) _hair out his perfectly outlined eyes, and put a hand on his skinny jean clad hips - the lead guitarist Ikkaku sent another wave of glee through the crowd as he began to dance his fingers across the strings.

Yumichika took a breath, "this song is called 'A hollow ate my family'." He began, women screamed, throwing their razorblades and varying shades of eyeliner in sheer overpowering emo!joy.

"He's so deep!"

"I feel his pain!"

"Cut me like a hollow!"

Ikkaku rolled his eyes, he wasn't paid enough for this shit.

--

"Don't forget to try our special. All chicken noodle and beef stew is now half priced." The monotonous voice of Nnoitra crackled through the mic through the grocery store speakers.

He glared piercingly at a woman and her little boy who had begun to cry. The child only sobbed harder. "Spoony Mcspoonerton-san scares me mommy!"

Well serves the little bugger right.

This was the last time he accepts Gin's help in finding a part time job.

I mean really, how in the hell was being Cambell Soup's mascot an appropriate seasonal job for an espada?

---

"Yeah Stark! He's our man! If he can't do it no one can!" Gin shouted, pumping his pompoms from the sidelines, cheering loud obnoxious rhymes.

He was really quite perky, he thought, and he had great legs for the skirt.

That and it was the perfect cover for his covert-op of selling chairs made of bones-I MEAN flowers. Right....Selling flowers. --coughs--

---

Aizen sighed and knocked on the latest door that he'd managed to find on the desolate streets.

With a creek the door swung inwards and an elderly woman stared back up at him.

"Yes deary?" She croaked, a friendly smile on her aged face.

"Hello, my name is Sosuke Aizen and I'd like to talk to you about the environ-" The door was promptly shut in his face.

Well sue him for saving the planet!

--

"Would you like some more tea Ken-chan?" the little pink haired girl poured invisible tea from her plastic kettle into the tiny plastic cup in Zaraki Kenpachi's oversized hand as they sat on tiny wooden stools. For her it was perfectly sized, for the captain he had to hunch over and bring his knees almost to his chest to fit.

It made for quite the deranged father-daughter moment.

He took the opportunity when Yachiru's eyes squeezed shut to sip her tea with her pinky raised (She was a little lady damnit!) to death glarify anyone in the general vaccinity into wetting their pants and forgetting (right) they ever saw anything.

---

"Grimmjow. This really isn't neccessary." Nel sighed, in her full form, from where she sat crossed legged a few feet away from her new friend.

"Aizen's going down and there's only one possible way to do it."

"..._Kill_ him maybe?"

The blue haired hollow gave her a look.

Shaking her head sadly she looked around to find Ichii strolling towards them, looking quite bored.

"What the hell's he doing?" the reaper asked with a raised eyebrow.

"He's gone off the deep end and it slaughtering pigs and chickens to perform a satanic ritual to summon Lucifer."

"...Cool."

"So what's been happening with you lately?" She asked as if talking about the weather after meeting an old schoolmate in a grocery store instead of Hueco Mundo when the man still had a hole in his chest.

"Ah not much, finally realised Rukia's the love of my existence, made out a bit and proposed but she refused to marry me until she solved world hunger. So...We've been married about four times now."

Nods. "Sounds like a good week."

---

"Oh aren't we so pretty!"

"I feel like an idiot."

"I wonder why we never did this before?!"

"Because it's idiotic."

"Can you believe how amazing this is?!" Yuzu squealed, tugging her sisters overly elaborate folk dancing costume with vigor.

Karin wanted to say, "I hate you" but one look at her sister's excited face it turned into - "O-oh yeah, definately."

"Welcome to the USA, United States of _awesome!" _Yuzu flinched slightly and Karin paled.

"...run back to the plane?"

"Oh yeah."

---

Uryu tapped his foot impatiently and glanced down at the metal spike of a sword impaling his chest with a sigh. He glanced down at his watch and began to pace instead, humming a tuneless song under his breath to pass the time.

The way the young quincy saw it, one of three things could happen. 1) He's bleed out and die (A not so inviting possibility) 2) Inoue would actually bother to heal him between fawning over Kurosaki and her new cooking show. (Somehow that didn't seem very likely at that point.) or 3) Tite Kubo could actually move the plot along (Probably the least likely of the three).

The only thing he could think to say was this. "FML."

--

Renji had never played 'The Sims', or watched 'The Matrix' - for if he had then he would be able to fully understand the feeling of someone else controlling his life and reality not being what he thought it was because surely if he had any sense of control left he wouldn't be in this situation.

"No, no, _no! _You have it all wrong! Complete opposite of what we are looking for!" Soi fon hissed, the poor auditoner fleeing the room in tears - Byakuya flicked his hair out his face and began filing his nails.

Renji twitched.

He had always _hated _barbershop quartet...

--

To say that nothing exciting was happening anymore would be a total lie. But besides the millenia long fight between Ukitake and Kyoraku and Star and Lilynette there was no action, no violence and definitely no explosions. Which in itself was eerily calm for the bleachverse.

So when in the middle of everything there was an enormous bang and a puff of smoke obviously everyone came by to watch the show. Most were dissapointed though, instead of a horrific monster, when the dust cleared there was only a short haired girl swathed in shinigami garb carrying an amazonian sized sword on her back, strapped to her shoulder.

"Tatsuki-chan?" Orihime blinked.

"You guys were taking forever," she shrugged in explanation. "So I pulled an Ichigo, discovered my inner potential, went to that weird shopkeeper guy to take a couple shortcuts and voila." She grinned. "I'm sorta omnipowerful now."

Great. JUST what they needed. Another protagonist.

---

"This is getting ridiculous." Ukitake declared panting.

"How long has this fight been going on?" Stark complained, just as tired.

"Who knows?" Shunsui added his two cents. "I vote we play hookey. Jyuushirou, you up for some drinking?"

The espada pouted. "I knew it! Whitey is your favorite!" Life was so unfair.

The shinigami exchanged a look, "...Wha-?"

"I want to be gay with you guy toooooo!" he sobbed, acting completely out of character because of his exhaustion (Or so he told himself to preserve his manly pride...he wasn't camp!)

"We're not gay." Ukitaky protested with a blink.

"It's _guy love_." Kyoraku shrugged.

Which begs the question. "Wtf is that?"

Sooooo camp.

---

The wind flew through his beard, passersbye shrieking in surprise before diving out the way of his path. Yamamoto let a rare grin form on his wrinkled features, taking one leather clad hand off the handle bars and punching it skywards.

"_Born to be wi~ld!" _

The bike roared in appreciation and man and machine went speeding off the pages of existance to a happier, plot orientated place....

--

**A/N: **I regret nothing!


End file.
